Tag: self-love

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From Fired Up to Burning Out.

Over the last 10 years, I have seen so many passionate community leaders light up, explode with effort, and slowly but surely burn out. Having burned out hard once or twice, it is painfully obvious when I see someone now heading full speed for that same painful wall.

One thing that has helped me manage my energy and avoid burnout is knowing more about the Maslach Burnout Inventory. MBI identifies six areas that lead to burnout:

  • Workload (too much work, not enough resources)
  • Control (micromanagement, lack of influence, accountability without power)
  • Reward (not enough pay, appreciation, or satisfaction)
  • Community (isolation, conflict, disrespect)
  • Fairness (discrimination, favoritism)
  • Values (ethical conflicts, meaningless tasks)

This gives me a framework for reflection, evaluation, action, as well as for self-care. By being able to identify the contributing factors to my exhaustion or approaching burnout, I can often take the necessary steps to implement meaningful change and recalibrate.

For leaders who are responsible for small communities or non-profit organizations, the burden of responsibility (workload) is at times extreme and often paired with feeling a lack of appreciation and acknowledgment (reward).

Make sure to set up a time to check in and evaluate!

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You have the right to protect your energy. If something doesn’t feel good for you, don’t do it. If someone doesn’t feel good to be around, leave. Of course there are times we need to be flexible. There are times when we need to lean in Rather than move away from the discomfort. But it’s ok to also draw a line in the sand and choose to get your lessons in a gentler way. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is to say no and choose a lighter path.

~wonderful words from Sheleana Aiyana

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Unhealthy Patterns

“Blame the pattern not the person.”

When we effectively use our relationships and friendships as insight to inform our personal growth, it no longer becomes about what someone said or did or did not do. Instead of picking apart their rationale, punishing them, withdrawing love and trust…. we can choose to turn inwards and use our negative feelings as a source of self inquiry.

The reality is we all have unhealthy patterns and stories that do not serve us. We sometimes end up stuck, choosing people and engaging in behaviors that seem to be repeating patterns and stories we know aren’t good for us, not necessarily because we haven’t grown but because there is past hurt that has not been fully healed.

I was reminded today to not push blame or feel shame when I recognized I was repeating an old unhealthy pattern. Rather, embrace it as a chance to try again with my new tools.

We often repeat patterns because our souls want to heal, grow, and rise in love. It is an opportunity to rebuild self love and trust, as well as author new endings and outcomes. …to have a deep experience of our own growth.

It’s most important to give yourself Patience In the process, kindness in the face of failure, and commitment to creating relationships, patterns, and situations that more fully honor you!

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Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy”

🤔The last year I have spent a lot of time meditating on relationships, and observing both others and myself in relationships–whether it be with family, friends, or partners.

I should start first by saying that tension is a natural element of any relationship, as is conflict. But I am going to speak to when tension tips over into toxicity, when it goes from healthy to harmful.

And some of the most common markers I’ve noticed in unhealthy relationships, and the unhappiness that accompanies them, are 
1️⃣️️ an unwillingness to set, maintain, and respect boundaries, 
2️⃣️ a consistent and habitual willingness to forego and compromise on personal needs, and 
3️⃣ a slow growing complacency with mistreatment. 
(Not to mention a breakdown in communication)

I’ve been there, and understand some of the psychology behind it. And often times, we wish to give those we love the benefit of the doubt, another chance, patience in their growth despite the harm they cause, and more. We see their potential, and perhaps who they could be as their best self. We believe they can grow and change. And, in most cases, many of the good things we love about them are still there right alongside all the bad.

So, really, I *can* appreciate where the excuse-making, chance-giving, exception-granting, and tireless patience comes from (out of love)–but what I have learned to see and wish others to see is that doing these things are a form of self-harm.❌Every time we grant a toxic person another exception, excuse, chance, etc, we forego our own needs, weaken our own boundaries, and open the door to compromising ourselves and our happiness

📖When I read back on my annual reflection/post from earlier this year, I was struck again by this call to action I wrote:

➡️Stop putting up with people in your life who drain you.
➡️Stop making excuses and granting chances
➡️Stop waiting for people to come back, to change, to give a damn. 
➡️Stop standing for people who don’t stand for you.”

I still believe this is a worthwhile meditation and reminder. However, I want to add: ❕That it is OKAY to stop❕

It is OKAY to remove someone from your life — even those that you still love and care about– if they are causing harm or affecting you negatively. Not only is it OKAY, it is the right thing to do.

▫️Is it hard? Likely. 
▫️But is it healthy? Yes.

Because each person has a limited amount of time, energy, and love to give. And, every time we invest in people who harm our happiness, who overstep boundaries, who refuse to communicate, who aren’t helping us grow, we are actively working against ourselves.

As this post started:
“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy”

Because… when you do this… when you REALLY do this, you will discover that instead of losing something, in fact you will have opened yourself up to new connections, new growth, new friendship, and new love, including self-love.❤️

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Freedom and Discipline

“Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose – and commit myself to – who and what is best for me.” – Paulo Coelho

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No one is free from commitments, despite what they think.

I have met many people over the years who are ‘afraid of commitment’ or seek to live a life without commitments.  However, this is a fundamentally dishonest and immature way of thinking, and usually reflective of a lack of self awareness.

We all have commitments in our lives, whether or not we wish to acknowledge them:  

  • Commitments to our work, to show up on time and do our best. Even if we are just working for ourselves. 
  • Commitments to where we live, from paying landlords and banks to keeping the space habitable.
  • Commitments to our friends and family, to be there and care for them in time of need, to offer advice, to celebrate, to show up on time, etc.
  • Most importantly, We ALL make promises to ourselves, to eat better, sleep more, read more, go to the gym regularly, and so on

Everyone has some distribution of commitments in the categories above, though they might look different from person to person.

Even things that seem like non-commitments are in fact the opposite. To choose not to have children, to choose not to buy a house or to get married. We are simply committing ourselves to a different, ‘non-traditional’ style of life, but it is a commitment nonetheless.

So when someone approaches me and says they aren’t ready for commitment, or that they want to live free of commitments, what they actually should be saying is ‘I dont want this commitment’. 

Unhappiness in Commitment

So why do so many people end up unhappy in their commitments? 

  • We enter into commitments prematurely, lacking all the information.
  • We enter into commitments without understanding fully what is expected of us on our end .
  • We fail to negotiate terms we are comfortable with
  • We stay longer than we should, either because we are afraid or we don’t know how to leave (’feeling trapped’) or don’t realize we could (’promises of forever’)

By this way, many of us end up disempowered, frustrated, and wary of future commitments, not realizing it is our fault we are unhappy, and not the commitment itself. 

Freedom

When we start to realize that our whole life is essentially a collection of different commitments we are making to ourselves and others, and when we wake up and see exactly where those commitments already exist, we gain the ability to negotiate the terms of those commitments.

This is how we become an active participant in our lives. By acknowledging commitments, negotiating their terms, and choosing which ones you will honor and which ones you will let go: this is freedom.

Daily Reminder

Identify the commitments in your life, and the ones you are avoiding. Walk away from the toxic, embrace those that nourish, and add new ones that add value to your life.

-Caitlin Pontrella

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“Comparison Is the Thief of Joy.”

Theodore Roosevelt hit it on the head for me. As I approach the conclusion of my thesis, and look to the incredible work being done all around me, I feel fear, anxiety, stress. I feel not good enough, inadequate.

And then I remember. I too am making something beautiful. I too have ideas that are unique, stimulating.

I spend so much of my life constantly comparing and competing–it’s what we are conditioned to do in architecture school. But I reject this way of being. I have higher standards than almost anyone else I know when it comes to living well and working hard. I don’t need to compare to others, I need to critique my self.