On Playgrounds, Violence, and Shame

“Playground experiences can mold a lifetime.” – Jon Ronson

I recently got to read the book Playground by James Mollison, which is a photography project to capture the diversity of play experiences children had in different countries. He described his motivation for the project at the very end: “When I conceived this series of pictures, I was thinking about my time at school. I realized that most of my memories were from the playground. It had been a space of excitement, games, bullying, laughing, tears, teasing, fun, and fear.”

More interesting is the forward written by Jon Ronson who reflected deeply on his own childhood experiences on the playground which were distinctly coloured by bullying, violence, and shame.

When we engage in play, we suspend reality and can give ourselves space to try on new identities, explore repressed emotions, and self-express in new ways that might otherwise feel risk in ‘normal’ life. It can be as innocent as dressing up in ways that in ‘normal’ life would leave us with a fear of social rejection or on a darker note role playing the villians in our bedtime stories. Our playgrounds are not only places of joy and creativity but also laboratories for experiments with anger, violence, aggression, and our ‘shadow’ selves.

Jon Ronson wrote that “Playgrounds can mold a lifetime”. As I look at all these photos, I can’t help but think that while we absolutely should be thinking about how we shape our play spaces physically perhaps we should be spending more time on how to shape them politically. Who makes the rules and who referees? How far are we allowed to go in our self-experiments one way or another? How do we handle conflict, address violence, and support communication?

As adults, teachers, designers, leaders–we sometimes think we know best. We forge ahead laying out rules, regulations, expectations, we facilitate and supervise, we start to box in play and public activity according to what we think is the most safe. We consult books, best practices, and professionals…. and often forget to ask the one group that matters most–our users. When things go even a little bit array, we jump in to fix, and the opportunity to have a direct experience cultivating skills in negotiation, temperance, independence and personal responsibility is greatly diminished.

What I’m getting at is: when we alienate the users of our playspaces (whether children or adults) from the creation of the rules that govern it and the decisions that physically shape it, we lose the opportunity to come together as a whole community. We loose a chance to have a group dialogue about how we want to live together. To understand collectively our standards for integrity in our interactions. We perpetuate power structures, stereotypes, and personal fears.

I don’t have a strong concluding point except to say that we should, whenever possible, engage in collaborative playcemaking. Engage all stakeholders. Seek out the smallest voices, those disenfranchised and unheard or undervalued. Our playgrounds can be more than just recreation sites… they can be places of deep healing too.

You can see more of his photography online on his website.

Play and sports can be incredible spaces for peacemaking, community building, and personal development.

Unhealthy Patterns

“Blame the pattern not the person.”

When we effectively use our relationships and friendships as insight to inform our personal growth, it no longer becomes about what someone said or did or did not do. Instead of picking apart their rationale, punishing them, withdrawing love and trust…. we can choose to turn inwards and use our negative feelings as a source of self inquiry.

The reality is we all have unhealthy patterns and stories that do not serve us. We sometimes end up stuck, choosing people and engaging in behaviors that seem to be repeating patterns and stories we know aren’t good for us, not necessarily because we haven’t grown but because there is past hurt that has not been fully healed.

I was reminded today to not push blame or feel shame when I recognized I was repeating an old unhealthy pattern. Rather, embrace it as a chance to try again with my new tools.

We often repeat patterns because our souls want to heal, grow, and rise in love. It is an opportunity to rebuild self love and trust, as well as author new endings and outcomes. …to have a deep experience of our own growth.

It’s most important to give yourself Patience In the process, kindness in the face of failure, and commitment to creating relationships, patterns, and situations that more fully honor you!

Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us. […] Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It’s just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy.

– When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron

“I have learned that Grief is a force of energy that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own schedule. Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love. The only way that I can “handle” Grief, then, is the same way that I “handle” Love — by not “handling” it. By bowing down before its power, in complete humility.” – Elizabeth Gilbert

Friendship, Vulnerability, Asking For Help, and West Wing→

A man was walking down a street when he fell into a hole and the walls were so steep he couldn’t get out. So the man in the hole began to cry out for help.

A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, ‘Hey you. Can you help me out?’ The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.

Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, ‘Father, I’m down in this hole can you help me out?’ The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on

Then a friend walks by, ‘Hey, Joe, it’s me can you help me out?’ And the friend jumps in the hole.

Our guy, aghast, says, ‘Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.’ but his friend says, ‘Yeah, but I’ve been down here before… and I know the way out.’

Right now, all of us are in one of two places: We are either stuck in a hole… or we’re walking along the street, able to see these holes all around, able to hear those calling out.

For those of you stuck, maybe you are too afraid to ask for help, or ashamed. Maybe you don’t realize you’re stuck or you convinced yourself its not that bad. Or maybe you have so many prescriptions and prayers piled up at your feet that you’ve all but given up hope of getting out.

Hold on. Keep going. There are those out there who will stop and help. And sometimes even the earth itself shifts and changes the landscape.

And for those of you walking on the street, I know its easier to throw prayers and prescriptions–likes, comments, critiques, judgments. It’s easier to keep walking along, minding your own business, taking care of yourself and yours.And that to jump down and help someone out, to make yourself vulnerable again, to give your most valuable resources of time, energy, and love to someone, can be scary–it might backfire, it might be difficult.

Be brave. Reach down. Jump in.

You don’t have to jump into every hole. That would be foolish, because you don’t know the way out of every hole. But you’ll know which ones are familiar, and which ones aren’t. Pick the ones you know.

If you want meaningful community and deeper friendship, you must also be willing to show up where you can. You must be willing to look up from your phone, move beyond your apathy or fear, and jump in.

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy”

🤔The last year I have spent a lot of time meditating on relationships, and observing both others and myself in relationships–whether it be with family, friends, or partners.

I should start first by saying that tension is a natural element of any relationship, as is conflict. But I am going to speak to when tension tips over into toxicity, when it goes from healthy to harmful.

And some of the most common markers I’ve noticed in unhealthy relationships, and the unhappiness that accompanies them, are 
1️⃣️️ an unwillingness to set, maintain, and respect boundaries, 
2️⃣️ a consistent and habitual willingness to forego and compromise on personal needs, and 
3️⃣ a slow growing complacency with mistreatment. 
(Not to mention a breakdown in communication)

I’ve been there, and understand some of the psychology behind it. And often times, we wish to give those we love the benefit of the doubt, another chance, patience in their growth despite the harm they cause, and more. We see their potential, and perhaps who they could be as their best self. We believe they can grow and change. And, in most cases, many of the good things we love about them are still there right alongside all the bad.

So, really, I *can* appreciate where the excuse-making, chance-giving, exception-granting, and tireless patience comes from (out of love)–but what I have learned to see and wish others to see is that doing these things are a form of self-harm.❌Every time we grant a toxic person another exception, excuse, chance, etc, we forego our own needs, weaken our own boundaries, and open the door to compromising ourselves and our happiness

📖When I read back on my annual reflection/post from earlier this year, I was struck again by this call to action I wrote:

➡️Stop putting up with people in your life who drain you.
➡️Stop making excuses and granting chances
➡️Stop waiting for people to come back, to change, to give a damn. 
➡️Stop standing for people who don’t stand for you.”

I still believe this is a worthwhile meditation and reminder. However, I want to add: ❕That it is OKAY to stop❕

It is OKAY to remove someone from your life — even those that you still love and care about– if they are causing harm or affecting you negatively. Not only is it OKAY, it is the right thing to do.

▫️Is it hard? Likely. 
▫️But is it healthy? Yes.

Because each person has a limited amount of time, energy, and love to give. And, every time we invest in people who harm our happiness, who overstep boundaries, who refuse to communicate, who aren’t helping us grow, we are actively working against ourselves.

As this post started:
“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy”

Because… when you do this… when you REALLY do this, you will discover that instead of losing something, in fact you will have opened yourself up to new connections, new growth, new friendship, and new love, including self-love.❤️