“Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose – and commit myself to – who and what is best for me.” – Paulo Coelho
No one is free from commitments, despite what they think.
I have met many people over the years who are ‘afraid of commitment’ or seek to live a life without commitments. However, this is a fundamentally dishonest and immature way of thinking, and usually reflective of a lack of self awareness.
We all have commitments in our lives, whether or not we wish to acknowledge them:
- Commitments to our work, to show up on time and do our best. Even if we are just working for ourselves.
- Commitments to where we live, from paying landlords and banks to keeping the space habitable.
- Commitments to our friends and family, to be there and care for them in time of need, to offer advice, to celebrate, to show up on time, etc.
- Most importantly, We ALL make promises to ourselves, to eat better, sleep more, read more, go to the gym regularly, and so on
Everyone has some distribution of commitments in the categories above, though they might look different from person to person.
Even things that seem like non-commitments are in fact the opposite. To choose not to have children, to choose not to buy a house or to get married. We are simply committing ourselves to a different, ‘non-traditional’ style of life, but it is a commitment nonetheless.
So when someone approaches me and says they aren’t ready for commitment, or that they want to live free of commitments, what they actually should be saying is ‘I dont want this commitment’.
Unhappiness in Commitment
So why do so many people end up unhappy in their commitments?
- We enter into commitments prematurely, lacking all the information.
- We enter into commitments without understanding fully what is expected of us on our end .
- We fail to negotiate terms we are comfortable with
- We stay longer than we should, either because we are afraid or we don’t know how to leave (’feeling trapped’) or don’t realize we could (’promises of forever’)
By this way, many of us end up disempowered, frustrated, and wary of future commitments, not realizing it is our fault we are unhappy, and not the commitment itself.
Freedom
When we start to realize that our whole life is essentially a collection of different commitments we are making to ourselves and others, and when we wake up and see exactly where those commitments already exist, we gain the ability to negotiate the terms of those commitments.
This is how we become an active participant in our lives. By acknowledging commitments, negotiating their terms, and choosing which ones you will honor and which ones you will let go: this is freedom.
Daily Reminder
Identify the commitments in your life, and the ones you are avoiding. Walk away from the toxic, embrace those that nourish, and add new ones that add value to your life.
-Caitlin Pontrella