Tag: commitment

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“While investing deeply in one person, one place, one job, one activity might deny us the breadth of experience we’d like, pursuing a breadth of experience denies us the opportunity to experience the rewards of depth of experience. There are some experiences that you can have only when you’ve lived in the same place for five years, when you’ve been with the same person for over a decade, when you’ve been working on the same skill or craft for half your lifetime. Now that I’m in my thirties, I can finally recognize that commitment, in its own way, offers a wealth of opportunity and experiences that would otherwise never be available to me, no matter where I went or what I did.” – Mark Mason

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Freedom and Discipline

“Freedom is not the absence of commitments, but the ability to choose – and commit myself to – who and what is best for me.” – Paulo Coelho

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No one is free from commitments, despite what they think.

I have met many people over the years who are ‘afraid of commitment’ or seek to live a life without commitments.  However, this is a fundamentally dishonest and immature way of thinking, and usually reflective of a lack of self awareness.

We all have commitments in our lives, whether or not we wish to acknowledge them:  

  • Commitments to our work, to show up on time and do our best. Even if we are just working for ourselves. 
  • Commitments to where we live, from paying landlords and banks to keeping the space habitable.
  • Commitments to our friends and family, to be there and care for them in time of need, to offer advice, to celebrate, to show up on time, etc.
  • Most importantly, We ALL make promises to ourselves, to eat better, sleep more, read more, go to the gym regularly, and so on

Everyone has some distribution of commitments in the categories above, though they might look different from person to person.

Even things that seem like non-commitments are in fact the opposite. To choose not to have children, to choose not to buy a house or to get married. We are simply committing ourselves to a different, ‘non-traditional’ style of life, but it is a commitment nonetheless.

So when someone approaches me and says they aren’t ready for commitment, or that they want to live free of commitments, what they actually should be saying is ‘I dont want this commitment’. 

Unhappiness in Commitment

So why do so many people end up unhappy in their commitments? 

  • We enter into commitments prematurely, lacking all the information.
  • We enter into commitments without understanding fully what is expected of us on our end .
  • We fail to negotiate terms we are comfortable with
  • We stay longer than we should, either because we are afraid or we don’t know how to leave (’feeling trapped’) or don’t realize we could (’promises of forever’)

By this way, many of us end up disempowered, frustrated, and wary of future commitments, not realizing it is our fault we are unhappy, and not the commitment itself. 

Freedom

When we start to realize that our whole life is essentially a collection of different commitments we are making to ourselves and others, and when we wake up and see exactly where those commitments already exist, we gain the ability to negotiate the terms of those commitments.

This is how we become an active participant in our lives. By acknowledging commitments, negotiating their terms, and choosing which ones you will honor and which ones you will let go: this is freedom.

Daily Reminder

Identify the commitments in your life, and the ones you are avoiding. Walk away from the toxic, embrace those that nourish, and add new ones that add value to your life.

-Caitlin Pontrella

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The Lesson of Independence

We are taught of the virtue of Independence at a young age.

This isn’t inherently a bad lesson. However, it is often taken too far.  Rather than developing positive self-security in our relationships with others, we grow indignant distance and an unconscious, almost inherent, refusal to connection.

We grow afraid to ask for help or to develop any sort of dependency on others.  ‘I can do it for myself’ or ‘I don’t need any help’ have become common phrases in most vocabularys today. In fact, our abilities to work independently without assistance is often applauded and rewarded in corporate systems.

But In this process, we also grow afraid of showing weakness, we build up a fear of rejection, we grow paranoid of others.  Before we know it, all of these elements of insecurity bloom in our extreme striving for independence.

Daily Reminder:

So what I am writing to remind myself of today is that: Independence is a virtue, but not at the expense of your ability to connect.

Take time every now and then to evaluate your decisions and priorities. Are you avoiding making deeper connections or establishing meaningful relationships because they might require you to negotiate the terms of your independence (not staying out as late, scheduling around someone elses schedule, moving to another location..)? Question this, question your perceived ‘needs’ for space, place, and things.

REMEMBER:

Beautiful places and things can be easily acquired.

Fulfilling careers and communities can be created with a little skill.

But quality people are the sustenance of life, and require continued cultivation in order to reap their gifts. When you find worthy people, cherish and nurture those relationships. Lean into them. Do not demand absolute independence, but rather invite those important to you to serve as pillars and partners in your life. Give and let yourself be given to.