Tag: relationships

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Seeking Security in Relationship – Krishnamurti

“…if you seek security in relationship, it becomes an investment in comfort, in illusion; yet the greatness of relationship is its very insecurity. By seeking security in relationship you are hindering its function, which brings its own peculiar actions and misfortunes.

Surely, the function of relationship is to reveal the state of one’s whole being.

Relationship is a process of self-revelation, of self-knowledge. This self-revelation is painful, demanding constant adjustment, pliability of thought-emotion. It is a painful struggle, with periods of enlightened peace…”

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Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy”

🤔The last year I have spent a lot of time meditating on relationships, and observing both others and myself in relationships–whether it be with family, friends, or partners.

I should start first by saying that tension is a natural element of any relationship, as is conflict. But I am going to speak to when tension tips over into toxicity, when it goes from healthy to harmful.

And some of the most common markers I’ve noticed in unhealthy relationships, and the unhappiness that accompanies them, are 
1️⃣️️ an unwillingness to set, maintain, and respect boundaries, 
2️⃣️ a consistent and habitual willingness to forego and compromise on personal needs, and 
3️⃣ a slow growing complacency with mistreatment. 
(Not to mention a breakdown in communication)

I’ve been there, and understand some of the psychology behind it. And often times, we wish to give those we love the benefit of the doubt, another chance, patience in their growth despite the harm they cause, and more. We see their potential, and perhaps who they could be as their best self. We believe they can grow and change. And, in most cases, many of the good things we love about them are still there right alongside all the bad.

So, really, I *can* appreciate where the excuse-making, chance-giving, exception-granting, and tireless patience comes from (out of love)–but what I have learned to see and wish others to see is that doing these things are a form of self-harm.❌Every time we grant a toxic person another exception, excuse, chance, etc, we forego our own needs, weaken our own boundaries, and open the door to compromising ourselves and our happiness

📖When I read back on my annual reflection/post from earlier this year, I was struck again by this call to action I wrote:

➡️Stop putting up with people in your life who drain you.
➡️Stop making excuses and granting chances
➡️Stop waiting for people to come back, to change, to give a damn. 
➡️Stop standing for people who don’t stand for you.”

I still believe this is a worthwhile meditation and reminder. However, I want to add: ❕That it is OKAY to stop❕

It is OKAY to remove someone from your life — even those that you still love and care about– if they are causing harm or affecting you negatively. Not only is it OKAY, it is the right thing to do.

▫️Is it hard? Likely. 
▫️But is it healthy? Yes.

Because each person has a limited amount of time, energy, and love to give. And, every time we invest in people who harm our happiness, who overstep boundaries, who refuse to communicate, who aren’t helping us grow, we are actively working against ourselves.

As this post started:
“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anyone or anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy”

Because… when you do this… when you REALLY do this, you will discover that instead of losing something, in fact you will have opened yourself up to new connections, new growth, new friendship, and new love, including self-love.❤️

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“While investing deeply in one person, one place, one job, one activity might deny us the breadth of experience we’d like, pursuing a breadth of experience denies us the opportunity to experience the rewards of depth of experience. There are some experiences that you can have only when you’ve lived in the same place for five years, when you’ve been with the same person for over a decade, when you’ve been working on the same skill or craft for half your lifetime. Now that I’m in my thirties, I can finally recognize that commitment, in its own way, offers a wealth of opportunity and experiences that would otherwise never be available to me, no matter where I went or what I did.” – Mark Mason

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The Lesson of Independence

We are taught of the virtue of Independence at a young age.

This isn’t inherently a bad lesson. However, it is often taken too far.  Rather than developing positive self-security in our relationships with others, we grow indignant distance and an unconscious, almost inherent, refusal to connection.

We grow afraid to ask for help or to develop any sort of dependency on others.  ‘I can do it for myself’ or ‘I don’t need any help’ have become common phrases in most vocabularys today. In fact, our abilities to work independently without assistance is often applauded and rewarded in corporate systems.

But In this process, we also grow afraid of showing weakness, we build up a fear of rejection, we grow paranoid of others.  Before we know it, all of these elements of insecurity bloom in our extreme striving for independence.

Daily Reminder:

So what I am writing to remind myself of today is that: Independence is a virtue, but not at the expense of your ability to connect.

Take time every now and then to evaluate your decisions and priorities. Are you avoiding making deeper connections or establishing meaningful relationships because they might require you to negotiate the terms of your independence (not staying out as late, scheduling around someone elses schedule, moving to another location..)? Question this, question your perceived ‘needs’ for space, place, and things.

REMEMBER:

Beautiful places and things can be easily acquired.

Fulfilling careers and communities can be created with a little skill.

But quality people are the sustenance of life, and require continued cultivation in order to reap their gifts. When you find worthy people, cherish and nurture those relationships. Lean into them. Do not demand absolute independence, but rather invite those important to you to serve as pillars and partners in your life. Give and let yourself be given to.