C.G. Jung
“I have learned that Grief is a force of energy that cannot be controlled or predicted. It comes and goes on its own schedule. Grief does not obey your plans, or your wishes. Grief will do whatever it wants to you, whenever it wants to. In that regard, Grief has a lot in common with Love. The only way that I can “handle” Grief, then, is the same way that I “handle” Love — by not “handling” it. By bowing down before its power, in complete humility.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
M: On Fear of Suffering, Avoiding Risk, Losing Joy→
“If you evade suffering you also evade the chance of joy. Pleasure you may get, or pleasures, but you will not be fulfilled. You will not know what it is to come home… Fulfillment… is a function of time. The search for pleasure is circular, repetitive, atemporal… It has an end. It comes to the end and has to start over. It is not a journey and return, but a closed cycle, a locked room, a cell… The thing about working with time, instead of against it, …is that it is not wasted. Even pain counts.”
– Ursula Le Guin
Reflection:
I see so many people (myself included!) avoid and run away from opportunities for joy due to fear of suffering, pain, and failure. Who and what are you turning away from in your life? What are you losing by saying no to those opportunities?
Life is not as certain as you think. So many of us operate on 2, 5, 10 year plans, when tomorrow it could all radically change. I think we need to ask ourselves more often–is it worth the risk to be patient, to feel secure, to feel ‘ready’ before we take a leap? There will always be another excuse, more growth we need to do, but there is only one today. And people, opportunities, can disappear as fast as they appear.
Friendship, Vulnerability, Asking For Help, and West Wing→
A man was walking down a street when he fell into a hole and the walls were so steep he couldn’t get out. So the man in the hole began to cry out for help.
A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, ‘Hey you. Can you help me out?’ The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole and moves on.
Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, ‘Father, I’m down in this hole can you help me out?’ The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on
Then a friend walks by, ‘Hey, Joe, it’s me can you help me out?’ And the friend jumps in the hole.
Our guy, aghast, says, ‘Are you stupid? Now we’re both down here.’ but his friend says, ‘Yeah, but I’ve been down here before… and I know the way out.’
Right now, all of us are in one of two places: We are either stuck in a hole… or we’re walking along the street, able to see these holes all around, able to hear those calling out.
For those of you stuck, maybe you are too afraid to ask for help, or ashamed. Maybe you don’t realize you’re stuck or you convinced yourself its not that bad. Or maybe you have so many prescriptions and prayers piled up at your feet that you’ve all but given up hope of getting out.
Hold on. Keep going. There are those out there who will stop and help. And sometimes even the earth itself shifts and changes the landscape.
And for those of you walking on the street, I know its easier to throw prayers and prescriptions–likes, comments, critiques, judgments. It’s easier to keep walking along, minding your own business, taking care of yourself and yours.And that to jump down and help someone out, to make yourself vulnerable again, to give your most valuable resources of time, energy, and love to someone, can be scary–it might backfire, it might be difficult.
Be brave. Reach down. Jump in.
You don’t have to jump into every hole. That would be foolish, because you don’t know the way out of every hole. But you’ll know which ones are familiar, and which ones aren’t. Pick the ones you know.
If you want meaningful community and deeper friendship, you must also be willing to show up where you can. You must be willing to look up from your phone, move beyond your apathy or fear, and jump in.
Stress, Challenge, and the Golden Growth Ratio→
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller
Your Golden Growth Ratio
A reflection I engage with once a year goes as follows: Where do I consider myself an expert? A beginner? What is the ratio of daily time spent in each of these different states?
If you spend too little time in a state of challenge and new learning, you will quickly grow bored, discontent. If you spend too much, you’ll likely meltdown, lose confidence, and burn out. Everyone’s sweet spot–the percent of time you spend either learning entirely new things or facing new challenges with old skills with maximum, optimal learning and retention–differs.
It is a delicate balance that we need to develop for ourselves that also must take into consideration all the various facets that affect our emotional, mental, social health. While we need to be doing things we are bad at / beginners, we also need to do enough to maintain our self-esteem, confidence, and existing expertise.
The Yerkes-Dodson Law relates Performance to Pressure, taking in to consideration the impact on our mental health when we take on more difficult tasks and new learning.
Figuring Out Your Ratio
Personally, when looking back on times where i felt most challenged and fulfilled, I found that I was in these unstable spaces / beginner spaces at least 60% of my time. Launching new projects or companies, writing books on new topics, researching and reading in new genres, engaging in a movement practice that has me moving in weird, unusual patterns and alignments.
A good place to start is just looking at your average day. How are you splitting your time? Break it down. Of the time you spend each day working and doing (from your job to your hobbies and extracurriculars), categorize: Challenge Engagement Time being any time where you are in beginner state, new learning or new application, and Expertise Application Time being time where you are executing tasks you know how to do with the skills you already have.
From there begin to tinker with it.
Recognize that this is an active process. You have to actively seek out new things to learn, new challenges to test yourself and your skills against.
Tracking Your Learning
I keep a small list on my phone that has three buckets:
| To Learn | Learning | Expanding |
| One Hand Handstand Guitar Intermediate Car Maintencen Basic electronic wiring | Press Handstands CSS/html Non-profit investment strategies | Handstands Watercoloring SEO Strategy Late roman history and leadership |
This is just a small sample of my current list, which is quite lengthy.
- To Learn are things that are ‘on deck’ per se–when you have more time, energy, or interest, these are skills and knowledge sets you want to acquire but aren’t giving any time to. It’s a dumping ground of ideas.
- Learning is a list I try to limit to a maximum of 10 things at any one time which I try to give a little time each week/day to. Sometimes they’re short sprints (IE: I am reading several books on Non-profit investment strategies and have a consultation with my accountant coming up, after which it will move over to the expanding column) and sometimes they’re long hauls (Ie: CSS/html is a 6-month project to become more self sufficient).
- Expanding collects all the things that I feel good enough in but want to build depth and greater expertise in
Of course, some things disappear from all these lists once I feel like I’ve accrued enough knowledge, or if I’ve hit a point where it would be better to consult an actual expert. The whole point is that I bring some level of conscious attention and active cultivation of this growth golden ratio.
Be & Do Better
While I don’t condone unnecessary suffering, I do subscribe to a mentality focused on embracing challenge, stress, and discomfort, and ever stepping into the unknown. Yes, it is often unpleasant and difficult to engage with problems that seem outside of our immediate ability, but also the place of greatest emboddied potential for rapid growth.
It is also easy to fall into a comfortable rhythm, to want to become so good at something until it is second nature. And while there is value in expertise, there is also a very common danger and outcome of slipping into complacency and boredom. Things that used to be challenges can quickly transform into tasks and tedium, and growth slows to a snails pace.
And it’s hard to break out of because let’s be real–it feels good to be good at something.
But it feels better to grow?
Seeking Security in Relationship – Krishnamurti
“…if you seek security in relationship, it becomes an investment in comfort, in illusion; yet the greatness of relationship is its very insecurity. By seeking security in relationship you are hindering its function, which brings its own peculiar actions and misfortunes.
Surely, the function of relationship is to reveal the state of one’s whole being.
Relationship is a process of self-revelation, of self-knowledge. This self-revelation is painful, demanding constant adjustment, pliability of thought-emotion. It is a painful struggle, with periods of enlightened peace…”
“The key is building fires where you can warm yourself as you wait for the tempest to pass. These fires — the routines, habits, relationships, and coping mechanisms you build — help you to look at the rain and see fertilizer instead of a flood. If you want the lushest green of life (and you do), the gray is part of the natural cycle.” – Tim Ferris
“You can’t make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. It can’t last.” ― Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451
People are not good to each other.
too much
too little
or too late
too fat
too thin
or too bad
laughter or
tears
or immaculate
unconcern
haters
lovers
armies running through streets of pain
waving wine bottles
bayoneting and fucking everyone
or an old guy in a cheap quiet room
with a photograph of Marilyn Monroe.
there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in the slow movement of
a clock’s hands.
there is a loneliness in this world so great
that you can see it in blinking neon
in Vegas, in Baltimore, in Munich.
people are tired
strafed by life
mutilated either by love or no
love.
we don’t need new governments
new revolutions
we don’t need new men
new women
we don’t need new ways
we just need to care.
people are not good to each other
one on one.
people are just not good to each other.
we are afraid.
we think that hatred signifies
strength.
that punishment is
love.
what we need is less false education
what we need are fewer rules
fewer police
and more good teachers.
we forget the terror of one person
aching in one room
alone
unkissed
untouched
cut off
watering a plant alone
without a telephone that would never
ring
anyway.
people are not good to each other
people are not good to each other
people are not good to each other
and the beads swing and the clouds obscure
and dogs piss upon rose bushes
the killer beheads the child like taking a bite
out of an ice cream cone
while the ocean comes in and goes out
in and out
in the thrall of a senseless moon.
and people are not good to each other.
-Charles Bukowski, Fire