“We must always change, renew, rejuvenate ourselves; otherwise we harden.”
Johann Wolfgang Van Goethe
“Maturity begins with the capacity to sense and, in good time and without defensiveness, admit to our own craziness. If we are not regularly deeply embarrassed by who we are, the journey to self-knowledge hasn’t begun.”
Alain de Botton
“The greatest and most important problems in life can never be solved, only outgrown.”
C.G. Jung
Anais Nin on Multi-Dimensional Growth
“We do not grow absolutely, chronologically. We grow sometimes in one dimension, and not in another; unevenly. We grow partially. We are relative. We are mature in one realm, childish in another. The past, present, and future mingle and pull us backward, forward, or fix us in the present. We are made up of layers, cells, constellations.”
Anais Nin
“Be not the slave of your own past – plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep, and swim far, so you shall come back with new self-respect, with new power, and with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
M: On Fear of Suffering, Avoiding Risk, Losing Joy→
“If you evade suffering you also evade the chance of joy. Pleasure you may get, or pleasures, but you will not be fulfilled. You will not know what it is to come home… Fulfillment… is a function of time. The search for pleasure is circular, repetitive, atemporal… It has an end. It comes to the end and has to start over. It is not a journey and return, but a closed cycle, a locked room, a cell… The thing about working with time, instead of against it, …is that it is not wasted. Even pain counts.”
– Ursula Le Guin
Reflection:
I see so many people (myself included!) avoid and run away from opportunities for joy due to fear of suffering, pain, and failure. Who and what are you turning away from in your life? What are you losing by saying no to those opportunities?
Life is not as certain as you think. So many of us operate on 2, 5, 10 year plans, when tomorrow it could all radically change. I think we need to ask ourselves more often–is it worth the risk to be patient, to feel secure, to feel ‘ready’ before we take a leap? There will always be another excuse, more growth we need to do, but there is only one today. And people, opportunities, can disappear as fast as they appear.
Vulnerability, Reciprocity, and Being Able to Fully Express our Love→
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.
Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.
Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare” – Brene Brown
A good read and reminder: Time is too precious to be investing in relationships and endeavours that are not contributing to our growth, where we can not be our authentic selves, where we have to ‘hold back’, where we find ourselves waiting for permission, reciprocity, support, affection, or respect.
Who are the people in your life that you are most vulnerable with, and in what spaces? Are you giving your time, energy, and affection in the people and things that truly love and lift you?
I read this as a reminder to invest in the people that are ready to celebrate and embrace you wholehearted, who keep you accountable, who commit to your growth, to choose places where you can be vulnerable and honest, experiences where you can be fully expressed… For we all deserve to experience being seen, accepted, and loved, deeply.
Stress, Challenge, and the Golden Growth Ratio→
“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller
Your Golden Growth Ratio
A reflection I engage with once a year goes as follows: Where do I consider myself an expert? A beginner? What is the ratio of daily time spent in each of these different states?
If you spend too little time in a state of challenge and new learning, you will quickly grow bored, discontent. If you spend too much, you’ll likely meltdown, lose confidence, and burn out. Everyone’s sweet spot–the percent of time you spend either learning entirely new things or facing new challenges with old skills with maximum, optimal learning and retention–differs.
It is a delicate balance that we need to develop for ourselves that also must take into consideration all the various facets that affect our emotional, mental, social health. While we need to be doing things we are bad at / beginners, we also need to do enough to maintain our self-esteem, confidence, and existing expertise.
The Yerkes-Dodson Law relates Performance to Pressure, taking in to consideration the impact on our mental health when we take on more difficult tasks and new learning.
Figuring Out Your Ratio
Personally, when looking back on times where i felt most challenged and fulfilled, I found that I was in these unstable spaces / beginner spaces at least 60% of my time. Launching new projects or companies, writing books on new topics, researching and reading in new genres, engaging in a movement practice that has me moving in weird, unusual patterns and alignments.
A good place to start is just looking at your average day. How are you splitting your time? Break it down. Of the time you spend each day working and doing (from your job to your hobbies and extracurriculars), categorize: Challenge Engagement Time being any time where you are in beginner state, new learning or new application, and Expertise Application Time being time where you are executing tasks you know how to do with the skills you already have.
From there begin to tinker with it.
Recognize that this is an active process. You have to actively seek out new things to learn, new challenges to test yourself and your skills against.
Tracking Your Learning
I keep a small list on my phone that has three buckets:
| To Learn | Learning | Expanding |
| One Hand Handstand Guitar Intermediate Car Maintencen Basic electronic wiring | Press Handstands CSS/html Non-profit investment strategies | Handstands Watercoloring SEO Strategy Late roman history and leadership |
This is just a small sample of my current list, which is quite lengthy.
- To Learn are things that are ‘on deck’ per se–when you have more time, energy, or interest, these are skills and knowledge sets you want to acquire but aren’t giving any time to. It’s a dumping ground of ideas.
- Learning is a list I try to limit to a maximum of 10 things at any one time which I try to give a little time each week/day to. Sometimes they’re short sprints (IE: I am reading several books on Non-profit investment strategies and have a consultation with my accountant coming up, after which it will move over to the expanding column) and sometimes they’re long hauls (Ie: CSS/html is a 6-month project to become more self sufficient).
- Expanding collects all the things that I feel good enough in but want to build depth and greater expertise in
Of course, some things disappear from all these lists once I feel like I’ve accrued enough knowledge, or if I’ve hit a point where it would be better to consult an actual expert. The whole point is that I bring some level of conscious attention and active cultivation of this growth golden ratio.
Be & Do Better
While I don’t condone unnecessary suffering, I do subscribe to a mentality focused on embracing challenge, stress, and discomfort, and ever stepping into the unknown. Yes, it is often unpleasant and difficult to engage with problems that seem outside of our immediate ability, but also the place of greatest emboddied potential for rapid growth.
It is also easy to fall into a comfortable rhythm, to want to become so good at something until it is second nature. And while there is value in expertise, there is also a very common danger and outcome of slipping into complacency and boredom. Things that used to be challenges can quickly transform into tasks and tedium, and growth slows to a snails pace.
And it’s hard to break out of because let’s be real–it feels good to be good at something.
But it feels better to grow?
2017.11.30 On Risk-Taking
“I have noticed that doing the sensible thing is only a good idea when the decision is quite small. For the life-changing things, you must risk it.” – Jeanette Winterson
When faced with a big decision, I often feel a little paralyzed. The peacekeeper between my reason and my passion paces full force back and forth in my mind, trying to find a way out of the mess.
I long for clarity. I crave a clear path. I desire security.
But I know there is none.
The future is and will be uncertain. I can not control the outcome. All I know is that I have the strength to endure, great love to give, and the longing to live a loud, exuberant life.
To change careers. To move across country. To love again.
These things change lives, and I must open myself to them if I am going to change mine.