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M: On Friendship, Labels, and Language→

I’ve been having a couple of really fascinating conversations around friendship and language the last few days. Over the last decade, the integration of the internet into daily life has enabled us to sustain a larger number of personal, platonic relationships than in the past–with wide variances in levels of intimacy and mutual responsibility.

The word ‘friend’, which was past reserved for a smaller circle of intimate relationships, has been commodified and diluted..and is now used frequently and casually in modern society to describe this entire, wider spectrum–from casual acquaintances to those closest to our hearts.

There are a number of problems with this, but mostly, it is that this label of ‘Friend’ no longer communicates any meaningful information about the nature of that human connection or the level of intimacy and emotional truthfulness shared. Everyone has wildly different interpretations of the responsibilities that come with the assignment of the title of friend–with turmoil ensuing.

Brainpickings, a while back, made a pretty lovely post on the subject with a diagrammatic attempt to clarify this striation of platonic relationship. It definitely was a stand out in my memory, and informed my own private approach to understanding, clarifying, and categorizing the relationships in my life (which in turn helps me appropriately invest my time & energy).

Definitely take a read of this quick little article (like 6 minute read!). I also want to drop in this fantastic excerpt from Seneca( on the subject of friendship from Letters). I came across this about 10 years ago, and it definitely impacted the way I conceptualized and approached building my more meaningful Friend-ships.

“If you consider any man a friend whom you do not trust as you trust yourself, you are mightily mistaken and you do not sufficiently understand what true friendship means.

When friendship is settled, you must trust; before friendship is formed, you must pass judgment.

Those persons who put last first confound their duties–who judge a man after they have made him their friend, instead of making him their friend after they have judged him.

[So] ponder for a long time whether you shall admit a given person to your friendship; but when you have decided to admit him, welcome him with all your heart and soul. Speak as boldly with him as with yourself…”

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On Having Difficult Conversations→

When facing a difficult conversation, (with partners, friends, family, etc) I learned to ask three questions:

Is what I have to say kind? 
Is it true? 
Is it necessary?

The first two build empathy and emotional awareness, but it’s the last question thats the most illuminating of the three–for the answer reflects how much you value the continuation and growth of that relationship.

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Failing Neighborhood Parks→

“…because neighborhood parks are rarely designed with urban health in mind, these spaces—which the study defines as anywhere from two to 20 acres—often don’t fulfill their potential as pieces of public health infrastructure.”

the atlantic

We need to expand our vision beyond simple walking paths and benches–the most common and primary park features–and start building activity landscapes that engage our senses, brains, and bodies.

Instead of confining play to the playground, embed it into the everyday, for everyone.

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Congruence, Trust, and Personal Integrity In Our Commitments→

When honoring your commitments becomes too hard, you have two choices: you can change your behavior to meet your commitment or you can change your values to meet your behaviors. One choice will strengthen your integrity and the other with will erode it.-Stephen Covey

Powerful reality in simple terms. Whether it is a commitment to yourself, others, a company, or a community, whether it is an agreement explicit or implicit. Taking ownership of our commitments, and acknowledging the impact of our behaviors, is a critical element of trust and relationship building

Tied to this is the concept of congruence and dissonance. A common phrase I often hear is about how we shouldn’t listen to what people say and instead look at what they do when it comes to determining character and quality. 🤔However, while there is certainly some valuable information to be gathered in that observation, I think it is incredibly important not only to hear what someone says, but to see if someone matches what they say with equivalent action. This 🙌Congruence🙌–the alignment of word and action– consistently over time, is the basis of trust and integrity.

Dissonance, meanwhile, is the opposite, and happens at all scales. Dissonance in our lives appears in small ways, such as saying you’ll get up at 7 and yet still snoozing until 8, or that you won’t eat sugar and yet still have a little chocolate after dinner to promising to send an email tonight and not doing it until tomorrow….. up to larger scales such as being lazy at work or doing the bare minimum after promising excellence; It’s deprioritizing people you say are important–ie not calling back or standing someone up or giving them time. And at the height, its major breaks of trust and commitment.

And each moment of dissonance, large or small, adds up. It not only harms the trust others have in you but the trust you have in yourself.

The Speed of Trust and Building Congruence in Your Life

📘🧙‍♂️
I recently finished the book Speed of Trust, and it suggests 3 things you can do to level up and improve rate of congruence in your life… to help in building deeper trust:

  • 1️⃣ don’t make too many commitments. Time is a limited, invaluable resource and each commitment you make requires a certain amount. Make sure you’re committing that time to who and what and where it matters. people? self-improvement goals? your degree program? business projects?
  • ️2️⃣️ treat commitments to yourself, large and small, (ie that alarm clock, your gym new years resolution, your dieting habits) as seriously as those you make to others. If you can’t trust yourself why should any anyone else? trust starts with you.
  • 3️⃣️ don’t make commitments impulsively or hastily. Think through the entire lifecycle of a commitment. Discuss them with your partners, boss, associates, friends, or self. Make sure you are on the same page and can honor what you claim you can, to the level expected.

These three stepping stones can get you pretty far actually in building better trust-founded relationships. But what isn’t mentioned here is what to do when you break a commitment–when dissonance resonates?

Resorting Integrity in the Face of Dissonance

Personally, despite my best efforts, I’ve been guilty of dissonance and still on occasion find that I have made a commitment I either can not or am not actually willing to meet.❌What I have learned is that the only way to restore trust, and my integrity, and get back on track is

  • 🔸 take ownership. admit you had and broke a commitment
  • 🔸 acknowledge the impact. recognize that there are levels of impact–on your communities, your partners/friends emotions and well being, on the performance of your organization, etc. what are they? this is an important step because you also begin to understand why YOU are important, and why your commitment was important to begin with
  • 🔸 renew the commitment, re-negotiate it, or terminate it. here is an opportunity again to set accurate expectations, make appropriate commitments, and move forward in a space of trust and integrity.

At the end of the day we should all be striving to achieve high levels of congruence in our lives, where people can trust us–that our actions and words will align. Congruence inspires confidence and trust, and demonstrates not only high levels of integrity but a capacity to make meaningful commitments–and it sits at the heart of what it is to be a Leader.

And.. whether you are a leader in a large space or just leading your own life, congruence will help you show up better not only to yourself, but to your partners, co-workers, and friends.⚔️

Reflections:

  • Where and with who or what do you have commitments, and what are they?
  • Do you accept those commitments as they are or do they need to be renegotiated?
  • Which commitments trump others when there are conflicts of action?
  • Are your words congruent with your actions?
  • Who and what matters to you, and are your actions communicating that they matter to you in a consistent manner?
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Vulnerability, Reciprocity, and Being Able to Fully Express our Love→

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.

Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can only survive these injuries if they are acknowledged, healed and rare” – Brene Brown

A good read and reminder: Time is too precious to be investing in relationships and endeavours that are not contributing to our growth, where we can not be our authentic selves, where we have to ‘hold back’, where we find ourselves waiting for permission, reciprocity, support, affection, or respect.

Who are the people in your life that you are most vulnerable with, and in what spaces? Are you giving your time, energy, and affection in the people and things that truly love and lift you?

I read this as a reminder to invest in the people that are ready to celebrate and embrace you wholehearted, who keep you accountable, who commit to your growth, to choose places where you can be vulnerable and honest, experiences where you can be fully expressed… For we all deserve to experience being seen, accepted, and loved, deeply.

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Stress, Challenge, and the Golden Growth Ratio→

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller

Your Golden Growth Ratio

A reflection I engage with once a year goes as follows: Where do I consider myself an expert? A beginner? What is the ratio of daily time spent in each of these different states?

If you spend too little time in a state of challenge and new learning, you will quickly grow bored, discontent. If you spend too much, you’ll likely meltdown, lose confidence, and burn out. Everyone’s sweet spot–the percent of time you spend either learning entirely new things or facing new challenges with old skills with maximum, optimal learning and retention–differs.

It is a delicate balance that we need to develop for ourselves that also must take into consideration all the various facets that affect our emotional, mental, social health. While we need to be doing things we are bad at / beginners, we also need to do enough to maintain our self-esteem, confidence, and existing expertise.


The Yerkes-Dodson Law relates Performance to Pressure, taking in to consideration the impact on our mental health when we take on more difficult tasks and new learning.

Figuring Out Your Ratio

Personally, when looking back on times where i felt most challenged and fulfilled, I found that I was in these unstable spaces / beginner spaces at least 60% of my time. Launching new projects or companies, writing books on new topics, researching and reading in new genres, engaging in a movement practice that has me moving in weird, unusual patterns and alignments.

A good place to start is just looking at your average day. How are you splitting your time? Break it down. Of the time you spend each day working and doing (from your job to your hobbies and extracurriculars), categorize: Challenge Engagement Time being any time where you are in beginner state, new learning or new application, and Expertise Application Time being time where you are executing tasks you know how to do with the skills you already have.

From there begin to tinker with it.

Recognize that this is an active process. You have to actively seek out new things to learn, new challenges to test yourself and your skills against.

Tracking Your Learning

I keep a small list on my phone that has three buckets:

To Learn
LearningExpanding
One Hand Handstand
Guitar
Intermediate Car Maintencen
Basic electronic wiring		Press Handstands
CSS/html
Non-profit investment strategies		 Handstands
Watercoloring
SEO Strategy
Late roman history and leadership

This is just a small sample of my current list, which is quite lengthy.

  • To Learn are things that are ‘on deck’ per se–when you have more time, energy, or interest, these are skills and knowledge sets you want to acquire but aren’t giving any time to. It’s a dumping ground of ideas.
  • Learning is a list I try to limit to a maximum of 10 things at any one time which I try to give a little time each week/day to. Sometimes they’re short sprints (IE: I am reading several books on Non-profit investment strategies and have a consultation with my accountant coming up, after which it will move over to the expanding column) and sometimes they’re long hauls (Ie: CSS/html is a 6-month project to become more self sufficient).
  • Expanding collects all the things that I feel good enough in but want to build depth and greater expertise in

Of course, some things disappear from all these lists once I feel like I’ve accrued enough knowledge, or if I’ve hit a point where it would be better to consult an actual expert. The whole point is that I bring some level of conscious attention and active cultivation of this growth golden ratio.

Be & Do Better

While I don’t condone unnecessary suffering, I do subscribe to a mentality focused on embracing challenge, stress, and discomfort, and ever stepping into the unknown. Yes, it is often unpleasant and difficult to engage with problems that seem outside of our immediate ability, but also the place of greatest emboddied potential for rapid growth.

It is also easy to fall into a comfortable rhythm, to want to become so good at something until it is second nature. And while there is value in expertise, there is also a very common danger and outcome of slipping into complacency and boredom. Things that used to be challenges can quickly transform into tasks and tedium, and growth slows to a snails pace.

And it’s hard to break out of because let’s be real–it feels good to be good at something.

But it feels better to grow?

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Happiness, Risk-Taking, and Being Enough Today For the Challenges You Face→

“If you have the good luck to have found something or someone that resonates with you, that amplifies your happiness–risk it. Life is too short and happiness too rare.”

Over the last two weeks, themes of happiness, love, risk, and readiness have appeared in almost all of my personal conversations with people in my life. Whether we are talking about making career changes, starting up new businesses, moving into new homes, or investing (or divesting) in personal relationships–the most common thread is *fear of not being ready or not being enough*.

🤔From these conversations, I took a little time to reflect on why.

When we experience fear or when risk taking is required of us, we often look for palatable excuses to disengage, delay, pass up, and say no, not now, not yet.

❓Do you ever catch yourself doing this?❓
👉Convincing yourself that the timing is off, or that you aren’t ready or that you aren’t good enough:
– strong enough
– smart enough
– pretty enough.
– experienced enough
– independent enough
👉Convincing yourself that you are not far enough along in your healing, learning, or growing? 
👉Convincing yourself that you would only do harm, feel pain, or fall short/fail?

🤷‍♀️Well, very few things happen at the ‘right time’, and much does not happen at all. It’s also impossible to be 100% ready for anything in life (probably not even 75%), for nothing is truly predictable, certain, or defined. I promise there will *always* be more you can learn, do, grow, fix.

So, its probably healthier to present in the now. To embrace opportunities — jobs, projects, people — when and as they appear in life. More so, if they have the chance of contributing to our happiness in a meaningful way… being vulnerable enough to take a risk and make a change.

For the truth is: You are ready, and enough, as you are today.
‘Success’ only needs a few things:
🔹The capacity for clean communication
🔹The ability to be vulnerable and ask for help
🔹The willingness to positively and creatively problem solve. 
🔹The trust in yourself and in your ability to learn the things you need, to grow and to love.
…and of course the ability to see success as achieving happiness, rather than the achievement of money, marriage, status, possessions, and so forth.

I know I don’t need to say it but… no matter how prepared you are… mistakes will happen: you will stumble, fall, experience failure, cause pain. This is inevitable. But you have to risk that to open yourself up to all the positive outcomes as well. (Brene Brown once wrote “You can not selectively numb your emotions, when we numb painful emotions, we also numb good ones”–the same goes for experiences, you might be avoiding the risk of a painful experience, but that means you also avoid the potential payout of a positive one)

➖➖➖➖➖➖

Seriously, as I reflect more on this, I really think the best thing I did for myself was to stop waiting for the right place, the right time, the right partner, and to start trusting myself, my vision, and my capacity to listen, learn, and love.

🙅‍♀️👎I didn’t feel ready when I took my job at Parks, or started up the Movement Creative, or launched any of my major projects and events. I actually felt under-qualified, inexperienced, and unskilled. An impostor.

🙅‍♀️👎I didn’t feel ready when I entered the biggest romantic relationship of my life nor when I started dating after it ended. I actually felt unlovable, unworthy. I felt far from ‘healed’, and that I had a laundry list of things I had to ‘fix’ or improve about myself before I was ready, good, worthy, able to be a partner to another.

🙅‍♀️👎I didn’t feel ready when I moved across country, left my family behind, and changed life path–I felt afraid, full of self-doubt and uncertainty. I worried I was unprepared and that I would let people down.

I also often felt uncertain of who I was, where I was going, what I wanted. I held deep limiting stories about myself as well as expectations of what I ‘needed’ to be (ie more educated, more experienced, more whole, more healed, more happy, more etc. etc.)

Yet when I stepped back, I was able to see that each opportunity (or person) resonated with me deeply. There was huge potential for creating positive impact, for crafting deep love and personal connection, for engaging in exciting travel and learning. And wow, it was right here, now, presenting itself to me. Sure I might not feel ready but who knows when I’d get another chance? Or if by saying no, I’d close off that opportunity forever? Or if inaction would actually be the thing to cause me pain? I couldn’t know. And I have had enough life pass me to know that experiences and people that resonate deeply with you don’t come by too often…

So I took some big risks.

And while I certainly failed at times–and still do, and have been hurt, and have hurt in turn… I had so many successes. I launched incredible programs and projects, I met and loved some amazing humans and in turn loved myself more, and I have created a life where I am the happiest I have ever been. Not to mention I have also discovered that I am far more capable than I ever believed.

Plus I learned that almost 
🔹no decision made is irrevocable, 
🔹no relationship marred is irreparable, 
🔹no failure to big to crawl back from, 
🔹no pain that cannot be endured and evolved from.

And finally: Big risk has the potential for big reward–and big fear usually indicates potential for big happiness, growth, and connection (not to mention fear being an indicator of things you actually need to explore–rather than run from)

WRAP UP
🔆I think the ultimate lesson I’m trying to draw up is that we all need the permission to be both imperfect and to believe that we are enough. We need the courage to be vulnerable so that we can take risks on the people and things that resonate with us and our happiness.🔆

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2018.07.01 On Self Knowledge

“When we know our own strength, we shall the better know what to undertake with hopes of success; and when we have well surveyed the powers of our own minds, and made some estimate what we may expect from them, we shall not be inclined either to sit still, and not set our thoughts on work at all, in despair of knowing anything; nor on the other side, question everything, and declaim all knowledge, because some things are not to be understood.” – John Locke, An Essay Concerning Human Understanding

Taking time to take stock of our strengths (and weaknesses) is absolutely critical, and doing so with an objective mirror even more valuable. Learning where to open lines of inquiry in life, and also where enough work has been done.

I am more capable of taking risks today for I not only know my mind and heart, but I have survived both through their deepest states of trauma. I know what to turn away from my life, and what to turn towards, and what to let lay as it is asking of and for nothing more than for it to be.