2016.05.19 On Solitude and Love

“What should I do about the wild and the tame? The wild heart that wants to be free, and the tame heart that wants to come home. I want to be held. I don’t want you to come too close. I want you to scoop me up and bring me home at nights. I don’t want to tell you where I am. I want to keep a place among the rocks where no one can find me. I want to be with you.”  – Jeanette Winterson

The learning of holding space between myself and you; to love your fire but to not stand too close because you do not care who you burn down. You will burn me down.

I long for love, belonging. To be seen, held. And I want it from you. But I fear your touch. I dread your look. I anticipate your words with unease.

Is this love?

“I didn’t know what hate felt like, not the hate that comes after love. It’s huge and desperate and it longs to be proved wrong. And every day it’s proved right it grows a little more monstrous. If the love was passion, the hate will be obsession. A need to see the once-loved weak and cowed beneath pity. Disgust is close and dignity is far away. The hate is not only for the once loved, it’s for yourself too; how could you ever have loved this?” – Jeanette Winterson