“Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.” – Marcus Aurelius
2016 Reflection
It’s not about having time, it’s about making time.
In 2016 I worked hard to make time. Struggling through 90,100+ hour weeks, I had deeply invested my time, energy, and soul into some really amazing people, events, places, and projects. It was a crazy balance game, and I didn’t always win, but I think I came out ahead…
And, if there was one lesson I learned through this process, it is that time, energy, and love are the three most valuable things I possess and can offer to a project, a person, and the world… AND that there is no such thing as ‘too busy’ when it comes to the important things and people in life. I have found that when something is actually important, I am able to make the time.
As I contemplate how and where and with whom to invest my time in in 2017, and what new things to make room for, I can’t help but feel completely overwhelmed by all that has been accomplished (dozens of playgrounds & installations, public school programs, workshops, national events, poetry, art, writing, travel, research, etc) and immense gratitude for all those who have joined me in my personal and professional journey this year, giving me in turn their time, energy, and love. So I must take a moment and thank you my world!
First, my amazing family. Sharon Jim Megan Samantha Vinny and all my aunts, uncles, cousins, extended & outlaws 🙂 Family is the most important thing in my life, and I am so unbelievably lucky to have such an supportive, loving, and PATIENT one. Thank you for putting up with my drama, and know you can always bring your drama to me.
Second, The Movement Creative family (both in nyc and afar). Jesse, Nikkie, Jose, John Jonny E Giuseppe Brycej-dawg Brian: You are such a beautiful community of thinkers and movers–We really are a unique group with the power to change the world.
Third, all the patient and loving support of my friends, both new and old, both here and afar. You know who you are. I couldn’t possibly list all of you, but know that I am always here in whatever way I can. “Beauty is not who you are on the outside, it is the wisdom and time you gave away to save another struggling soul like you”
Fourth, all the powerful professional insight, inspiration, and collaboration with organizations and individuals in bringing to life some of the most amazing events and projects in both my personal, professional, and parkour world, including the installation at governors island, the Art of Retreatt, the Womens Ntl. gathering, and over 2 dozen playground construction & installation projects+programs, events, and more in nyc. Kristine Blake AndyAdam Alan Francis SpontaneousInterventions Mark Rochester ParkourOrigins Parkour Urban Movement Parkour Horizons Pinnacle Parkour Urban Evolution Breathe Parkour Calgary North Hub Parkour Training CenterInnate Movement Parkour -Kingston, NY Play Project Fight or Flight Academy Dan Iaboni Martin And SO MANY MORE PEOPLE! It could take me forever to list you all <3
And finally, just a small call out to a few particular individuals who had a very deep and meaningful impact or connection with me this past year. Julie Angel Steve Leung Steve Zavitz Dan Edwardes Evan Beyer Natalia LaPré Boltukhova Mikkel Rugaard Melanie Hunt Brandee Laird Sammi Patel Ahz Ender Paul Graves Jade ‘muchness’ Shaw Danielle Hare
“The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers & cities; but to know someone who thinks & feels with us, & who, though distant, is close to us in spirit, this makes the earth for us an inhabited garden.”-Goethe
Thank you for being my community, my friends, my family, my garden. Let’s destroy 2017. 😉
M: On Self Deception
The prompt today is a series of quotes on Self-Deception:
QUOTE ONE: “Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
QUOTE TWO: “I often find that people confuse inner peace with some sense of insensibility whenever something goes wrong. In such cases inner peace is a permit for destruction: The unyielding optimist will pretend that the forest is not burning either because he is too lazy or too afraid to go and put the fire out.” ― Criss Jami, Killosophy
Response:
Self-deception is one of the worst and most readily practiced forms of self-violence.
We regularly deceive ourselves when we aren’t ready to face the truth or the most-likely reality. This deception is deepened and made worse is when there is actually a slim but legitimate chance for our desired outcome. Even the smallest of margins will exacerbate our delusions, making us cling ever harder to that delusion. A loving glance cast back as they walk away, a brushing of the arms in parting, a hopeful word suggesting possibility. These gestures become the foundation of the lies we tell ourselves.
And these foundational gestures and details enable us to continue to deny. And we will deny. We will deny any other developments even if they continue to drastically tip the scales towards the reality we are trying to reject–so long as that sliver of hope exists, as long as a legitimate chance exists for the outcome we want.
Because it is easier to deceive ourselves than it is to face the suffering that comes with the truth.
And these self-deceptions, when they are ultimately shattered, when we are left behind, when we are rejected with finality, when we are forced into the truth we denied: we are destroyed.
But the destruction begins long before the end of the deception. The day we allow ourselves to be deceived is the day we begin to close ourselves off from growth, the day we find our awareness starting to shrink. We no longer can leverage against ourselves in clarity, nonsense and whimsy begin to gain strength, the affinity for the ridiculous and the impossible grows stronger. In time, this self-deception, even the smallest of self-deceptions, risk completely consuming our ability to read reality and to be honest with our selves.
Thus, It is of the utmost importance to be conscious of our self-deceptions, and to engage in them carefully. Self-deception can be useful, as it allows you to ignore everyday mistakes, flaws, and failures. It allows you to move past shortcomings in order to see the best in people and their potential.
However, engaging in such illusions can prove disastrous if they become too opaque. And even if you practice consciousness and awareness in your self-deceptions, even if you try standing in the light each day, you might find that you fall victim to them none the less.
Even with a daily reminder that you are indulging a self-deception might not be enough.
[ omitted text ]
Be wary of self-deception; it is the quickest way to lose sight of your needs, values, and self. When we are comfortable lying to ourselves about one thing, we will soon find we are comfortable lying to ourselves about other things.
M: On Conditioning and the Path to Authenticity
Before I can even beginning to delve into authenticity in some sort of deeper way I first need to address my obsession with the word authenticity.
There’s something about the word authenticity that really resonates with me. I think it is because it represents this idea of honest self? Or perhaps that it represents true originality despite living in a world that lacks originality or where no one is themselves original? Or that allows me to be original while using unoriginal material. More and more this word makes it into my vocabulary when I speak about self and a movement and my experience of life. I truly deeply creative authenticity.
I feel like it is only been in the last year or so that I have begun to understand really what it means to live authentically. Only in the last year or so have I started to establish parts of myself and delineate ideas and values that truly feel authentically mine. Many of my experiences this past year forced me to deeply question and reconsider some of my most fundamental beliefs of My reality. This process resulted in the dismantling of my ideas and then a reconstruction of something entirely new from the old.
And I think that this process of dismantling, examination, and reconstruction is the path towards an authentic self. We are all composed of beliefs that we’ve shouldered unconsciousness, as a process of being apart of a certain culture, family, friend group, etc. As we grew up, we identified with different groups and subsequently assumed their values and lifestyles. As we explored our own creativity, we copied those we admired. We unconsciously assumed the components that made up who we are.
This leads to a sense of feeling fake, empty, discontent, etc. It is because we don’t truly feel a strong attachment to any of our ideas or beliefs. Because they were given to us (versus created by us), they can also be taken away. They never fully take root.
Creating an authentic self requires discovering which beliefs we have assumed unconsciously, dismantling them in order to examine them honestly and apart from them, and the reconstructing new systems of knowing and thinking for ourselves.
“You’ll get over it…” It’s the clichés that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don’t get over it because ‘it” is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?” – Jeanette Winterson
M: On the Self x2
What is the ‘self’? Characteristics, features, qualities. How do we find or lose it? How do we measure its authenticity in a world of unoriginality? Do we even need it? When and why? (functioning in society, for enlightenment, etc). IF we have it and discard it, what remains?
Response:
In my previous messy post, I discussed self as a sum of our values & needs. Values are a reflection of our beliefs and assumptions of the world and our selves. Needs are things we’ve identified as paths to happiness (sometimes accurate, othertimes not). To retain a healthy sense of self is to find your ‘kinetic’ self, your ‘fluid’ self–self as a process rather than a thing.
The Static Self
The ‘static’ self is a reflection of a lifetime of collected beliefs and conclusions, not just about the world but also ourselves. These beliefs, in the form of values and needs, become fixtures in our lives, organizing systems for all new experiences and information we encounter. It takes all new information and fits it into existing values/belief systems or it discards it.
We become trapped by our own perceptions, values, needs, knowledge, etc, as these things become increasingly fixed and static. The path to happiness becomes more narrow, it’s definition more exacting. Through the deep cultivation of convictions, we in fact create our own self-destruction.
Authenticity
To personally examine and consciously choose each of your values and beliefs: Free yourself from your conceptions of the world in order to turn around and actually examine them. Reject blind acceptance. Reject unquestioned cultural assimilation. You may find after your examinations that those beliefs are still true for you, but without that personal examination you will ultimately lack authenticity. Your ideas are not your own, they are functional transplants pending eventual failure: Because you did not create them yourself, you can not evolve them, you can not truly understand them.
Self-evaluation and re-creation is critical to being able to evolve those ideas later and stay authentically you.
Stability, Usefulness, and the Static Self
Does static self have a place? Static self in some ways is useful, at least as a way to interface with others. While your true self may be fluid and kinetic; changing under the surface, prehaps this turbulance is too much for those in society to deal with. Perhaps the ‘Static Self’ – a curated representation of who you are–is what we need in order to function in a highly developed society.
Static Self is when you earmark a point in your life, a version of yourself (complete with beliefs, values, needs), and present and re-present that version to the world. We all do this. We all become an image or a set of ideas/beliefs/behaviors to our loved ones, our families, our colleauges, etc. And sometimes, they do it to us. They capture an image in their heads of who we are, and we are condemned to it until they capitulate.
It doesn’t have to be this way, but it is easier, no? Humans crave stability. But the spiritual journey is one of great uncertainty. We need to find a balance to operate in society & to continue on our inner path at the same time.
So, I will leverage a series of static selfs against society for my ambitions, but with my most intimate of relationships I will strive to be my true self; a fluid human being in a state of constant growth and turmoil. I am a boiling sea, I am full of active tectonic plates, shifting, moaning, groaning, crunching, crushing: With my most intimate, I wish for them to be apart of the storm, an ally, a partner. I wish for them to push the plates, heat the water, agitate the storm. I wish for them to stand me up, to cool me off, to hold my hand.
Honesty, Ritual, & The Static Self
The Static Self is in many ways a dishonest representation of your current state. But the Static Self provides a sense of stability and a place of reference from which others in your life can interface.
For those undergoing great shifts, the static self is a way to avoid scaring people off. Most people in this world only have their static selfs, with minor variations, and can not comprehend rapid emotional and inner change.They do not depart on any deep spiritual journey–or will not until later in life.
This is perhaps why rituals are very important in society. Coming of age, getting married, moving out, moving around, entering and ending a relationship, starting, leaving a new job, etc. These pivotal movements are places where society accepts radical change in someones Static Self. So for most who do have a sense of fluid self, they save making a public shift until these periods.
Cultural Rituals are critical for the survival of the Static Self. Ugh could write too much on this. Skip.
What happens when we discard self?
This is one of the many enlightenments in life. Perhaps that process of defining self each day–the evaluation of values and needs–is a process of hacking away at the unessential.
If we can eliminate all superfluous needs–to need nothing for happiness–means, our day to day requires very little difficult choice. When our values are robust and elastic, and our needs are minimal, Happiness is an ease to achieve. Happiness comes from within.
Without needs, the self ceases to exist, the ego ceases to exist.
I honestly don’t know.
“We humans have lost the wisdom of genuinely resting and relaxing. We worry too much. We don’t allow our bodies to heal, and we don’t allow our minds and hearts to heal.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
“If man he is offered something which gives him a reason for acting how he wants he will accept it even on the slenderest evidence.”
Bertrand Russell