From Humiliation to Violence

American psychiatrist James Gilligan spent decades interviewing violent prisoners and his concluding core belief was that the deep underlying motivating force that drove people to violent behavior was the hope of suppressing or relieving feelings of shame and humiliation.

These feelings of shame can originate in so many different ways — Being insulted, teased or rejected, subjected to some form of perceived or real indignity or unfairness–even simply experiencing feeling weak, unattractive, or incompetent. We all can likely point to a time, if not many times, in our lives where the seeds of shame took hold and manifested in anger and hurt.

Sometimes we are brave enough to reach out into our communities or turning to our partners, therapists, or online platforms for healing and help. Moreoften we keep our feelings hidden. If someone was to see or confront our shame and subsequent unworthiness, surely that would destroy us?

But there is a far more awesome, destructive power in secret shame. In fact it underpins most anger and hurt in the world and, when unchecked, can push us over the threshold into violence.

Violent Bodies, Violent Words

You might think to yourself that you’ve never been violent before. And that’s fair.

When we think of violence, we often think of the violence imparted with our bodies–physical blows and altercations against either yourself or another. However, more common is violence imparted with words. Degrading and belittling self talk, unkind and aggressive communication with others. We all can likely find a time we are guilty of it.

When secret shame takes hold we are at greatest risk of hurting not just those around us but also ourselves.

Practice

When you catch yourself being unkind or hurtful in conversation–whether in self talk or with another human–try to take pause, step back, and find the true cause. What shame are you experiencing that is driving you to anger and hurt?

Read – A good follow up book would be Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.

“Play teaches that I have a choice beyond survival and contesting with the world. This choice to thrive is based on a trust in the power to love and to give this love unconditionally at the moment of attack, and after the worst of atrocities. The choice to be neither an aggressor nor a victim increases my opportunities exponentially. Only when I stop my dependence on self-defense can I begin to thrive. There is no safety in such a fearful, contest world that leaves little or no room for living the miracle of love. When we thrive we feel loved and are able to give love. Fear may impel us to survive, but it is love that propels us to feel alive, sustains our vitality, and restores our humanity. We are seeking the experience of being alive. The difficulty is that for us to find it, we must not be afraid of life.” – Fred Donaldson

On Failure, Creativity, and the Iterative Mindset

“If you aren’t making mistakes, you aren’t taking enough risks.”

I have seen this quote in most writings and talks on finding success in the world of leadership and innovation. However, what is often lost or overlooked is the larger message around failure mindset.

Ed Catmull, founder of Pixar, reflected: “The better, more subtle interpretation is that failure is a manifestation of learning and exploration. If you aren’t experiencing failure, then you are making a far worse mistake: You are being driven by the desire to avoid it. And, for leaders especially, this strategy — trying to avoid failure by out-thinking it — dooms you to fail.”

In a culture that is constantly testing and measuring the intelligence and capacity of our students and workers, and punishing underperformers (socially, financially, etc), it is no wonder that most people are focused on ‘getting things right’ the first time and optimizing processes to minimize failure/error in the future. We get conditioned early on to carry the mindset that there is a ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ answer to most problems, and that we must avoid being ‘wrong’ at any cost possible.

Yet the largest problems we face as a society today aren’t so clear cut, and this type of thinking is both limiting and dangerous.

Progressive Iteration

Innovative thinkers are capable of stepping outside an absolute way of thinking (Right vs Wrong). Instead of being concerned about ‘getting it right’, they are concerned with progressive iteration and comparative evolution.

The process of Progressive iteration is the most important skill that I acquired during my study of Architecture. It is an effective mindset and method of creatively approaching problem solving, focused less on arriving at some final solution and more on perpetually evolving from the previous checkpoint. It starts with generating multiple solutions, critiquing and comparing outcomes, searching for blindspots in partnership with outside perspectives, and then synthesizing all that new information to generate more ideas that move the needle further.

Rinse, Repeat. Rinse, Repeat.

From Failure to Potential

Additionally, when engaged in progressive iteration, we don’t really talk about ‘failure.’ Rather we framed our critiques as ‘missed opportunities’ and ‘untapped potential’ or ‘sites for future exploration’. This is a subtle perspective shift but profoundly impactful.

By viewing every effort as a chance to advance forward in some way, by reframing failure as an information-gathering opportunity, you will be liberated from the fear of failing. And, once free, you likely will be emboldened to more often step outside the box, test out wild ideas, challenge long-held norms–all of which open the door to truly transformative innovation.

“In a fear-based, failure-averse culture, people will consciously or unconsciously avoid risk. They will seek instead to repeat something safe that’s been good enough in the past. Their work will be derivative, not innovative. But if you can foster a positive understanding of failure, the opposite will happen.” – Catmull

In school I also learned to emotionally accept and embrace that even with all the information, with hours and hours of study and work, with tons of expert input, I still could end up with outcomes neither expected nor wanted.

…Because in actuality, contexts are constantly shift, people are unpredictable, and life doesn’t rarely has one clear cut ‘right or ‘wrong’ approach.

Safety, Failure, and Leadership

Finally, the last I have to say on this is simply that it is incredibly important to reveal and own failure when in a position of leadership.

“If we as leaders can talk about our mistakes and our part in them, then we make it safe for others.” We humanize ourselves, debunk conceptions around what it means to be an expert, and invite others to take risks too.

Our ability to be vulnerable is the foundation to inspirational and powerful leadership. Creativity, authentic self-expression, honesty, and trust, key ingredients to radical innovation, can only fully exist when one has the ability to safely take risks and make mistakes without fear of repercussions.

When people feel safe to make mistakes, when people feel safe to fail, they will rise, learn, and evolve more quickly. They will be more willing to push into unexplored frontiers, equipped with confidence in their own decision making and abilities. They will create and innovate and possibly even take on the great challenge of changing the world.

What is Parkour Vision?

What is parkour vision? Its walking through the world and, instead of asking ‘what is allowed?’ You ask ‘what is possible?’

This is a subtle but incredibly profound shift in perception and mindset. You learn to focus on creating new possibilities and writing your own story, instead of listening to the limitations set by others.

And… As your vision grows, you will begin to see opportunities to challenge the status quo in all areas of your personal life, work, and community.

-C.Pontrella

Healthy Relationships?

How do we know if our relationships (partnerships,friendships) are healthy?

Ask of yourself: Do you honour or betray yourself while in relationship with this person? 
Do you grow in a meaningful way or are you just going through the motions around them, checked out?
Do you feel challenged or complacent?
Do you feel celebrated or merely tolerated?

Our time and energy are finite resources. Don’t be casual with who and how you spend them. The more we pour into powerful, present, intimate relationships, the more powerful we ourselves shall become.